I’m not sure how I got there. I was heading to the place of my ancestors, I was clear as to where I was headed. Yet somehow I came to be in this place

This place with air like rust, and a glow with no sun. The light extending through the air like burnt flesh. My senses were filled with the melody of sickness left like a layer of old coffee raised against the veneer of a cheap coffee table

Hot air in a rusty haze, my bare feet burning on hot sands. My entire being felt crushed under the turmoil raining from the empty sky. I just wanted to die. Let me die. Please. Just let me die. My mouth screamed for release as pure pain, desperation, hate, rage seared through my heart

How did I get here, where am I?

Then I see them. All of them. Millions, and millions of sick, hungry bodies marching no where. Dressed in rags, some naked, others in chains of unlimited mechanisms. I meet the eyes of a body as it drags itself, moving almost in slow motion. My body goes rigid. In that moment I understand what people mean when they say-

‘It was like I saw a ghost’

I’ve seen ‘ghosts’ my entire life. That is spirits, imprinted into the physical realms. This was different. This shook me to the core. These eyes were vacant, the head looked toward me, but the eyes saw nothing. Visions pressed into my own eyes, a man forcing himself into a woman. Over and over again. The feeling of pressing and tearing into her as she tries in vain to squeeze, and cut her nails into my hardened skin. She goes limp, and I empty paradise into this warm cavern I’ve burrowed into. I’ve done it again. Oh what did I do, is she breathing? She’s not moving. I promised myself I would only look, only watch quietly from afar. It had been so clear, it had been so clear, just watch. I didn’t want to break her, and now. Now is she breathing? I can’t touch her anymore. Over and over I’m tearing into her flesh over and over. I feel the sensation like warm rotted slush growing in my belly. I’m sick

My breath catches in my throat and I falter over, and catch my foot on a rock. Falling to my knees, I’m caught in torrents, unable to catch my breath. Feeling that knife I kept in my boot slicing through his flesh as if it was meant to be there. Blood painting my hands for the first time, and knowing this was my purpose. Holding my children under the water, and feeling their little lungs jerk as they fill with water and their bodies going limp. The rough thick rope I got from the barn, it smelled like hay and the shit from the horses. I don’t even know how to tie a knot, bit I just need it to hold just long enough. The fire in my neck as it digs in, and I’m afraid as the fire ignites in my chest, as I lunge. Searching for footing, I don’t want to die, I don’t want to…My fists crushing against the bones in his face, over and over again. Fucking nigger, I burned him, and as he disappeared in the flames, I saw myself burn and I…

“Hello, you got a little lost didn’t you?”

A voice like the wind chimes outside of my mother’s house pulls me back up to the surface like a life guard, she new exactly how to bring me back up for air. Tears streaming down my eyes, as I catch my breath. What the fuck, I’m burning, I’m. Hate, fucking hate. My skin, I want to tear my skin, I need it to be over

“Can you hear me?” – She speaks out to me again

“yes…yes I hear you. I…”

“How did you get here?”

“I…I..was going to my ancestors, and I ended up here, and I can’t stop…”

“Yes, you are just outside the exalted place. The garden of the exalted where you were surely going to your ancestors. You landed in the wandering place”

“The wandering place?”

“The place of the souls that wander, bereft, lost within themselves”

“They don’t see, but you do. How is this so?”

“I do not wander. My sisters and brothers care for the wandering ones. Guiding the ones that are ready to see once again, guarding against the brotherhood of shadows and their dominions, feeding light to those that would welcome it. May the light guide them through the maze, and deliver them unto the exalted”

I look around, and see many. Like her, dressed in what look like garments made from potato sacks. Some are praying up to the sky, others praying over the bodies as they pass in languid formation. I see more, taking bodies by the hand with sight reborn in their eyes, speaking to the bodies in soothing tones. The bodies moving in real time now, though they seem to me like new borns. Confused, weak, afraid

“They look like they have just come from hell” -I say to the woman

“Oh yes, they have. The lucky ones catch the light. Others….They descend, and have not caught the light in many ascensions”

“I need to leave, I cannot stay here. My heart is crushing, I feel them all burning through me. Such anguish. How can you stay here?”

“Sister, if I do not. Then we will all be lost. If I turn from this place, then I will surely be next. I cling to the light, to the love of God I cleave with all of me”

“But you say you cling to the light, to the love of God. How? You stay in hell, clinging to this sea of perversion. I see you living in darkness. Darkness like I have not ever seen!”

She looks into my eyes, and a smile is born across her lips that gives my heart wings. Tears well in my eyes, my vision blurs as the soft ocean currents clear my sight. She takes my hands, and ignites into flames. My breath gets lost in transit, and the gates of heaven feel upon me. Light surrounds me, and I look around to see all of her brothers, and sisters ignited in flames birthed from the central sun itself

I fall to my knees, and press my hands into the hot sands, feeling the burn holding me in my body in this place

She speaks- “Dear one, I live in the light. For I am clothed in the glory of God”

My eyes are closed together, clasping my memory around the sight I just beheld. I never want to see another thing, but this for the rest of time

“Sister, don’t you see. You seek to sew your eyes shut to hold the light, you will wander with the lost holding tight to visions and passing again and again the gates of salvation. You must open your eyes, your heart, and your soul unto all of creation. For only then can you truly come home to the light of God”

Her words gather my spirit, and remember me of myself. I slowly open my eyes, and her flame still dances in the depths of her eyes. She takes me by the hand and we walk in silence ascending towards the gates of the exalted

I witness as we get closer and closer, the crowds grow more and more dense. Others like her beside the gates sing prayers like shouts in a market. Newly opened wanderers shuffle in all directions, entering the threshold of the gates. I turn, and look out over the realm of the wandering. The gates sit high on the edge of a rocky cliff

This realm goes on forever. There seems to be no end

Crowds and crowds of bodies, shuffling slowly, stuck in time. I notice then that the rags they are wearing are from all different times. Torn, ragged clothes from literally all times, I recognize some and others I have never seen. I see clothes that aren’t completely washed in the rust overcast of this place, that must have only just entered this place. I see them all, as far as my eyes can see

Then in the distance I see shadows that fly into the air, and descend unto the bodies. When the shadows come into the air again, the bodies they came down unto are gone. I take my guide by the hand, and point to the shadows-

“What are those things, they made the bodies disappear!”

“Sister, those are the dominions of the dark brotherhood, they take souls from here and cast them into the paradigms. They become empty vessels for them to fill within the worlds in which they have cast their shadows. Our work has not ever been so as it is now”

“How can they just take souls, this must be stopped!”

“Yes, An Masheba, in the holiest of names, the chaos has spread throughout the worlds. The light must be remembered within the many. We must not forget to live in the light. For just as darkness spreads, so to does the light”

She presses her forehead to mine, and leaves me at the bottom of a staircase leading into what seems like clouds. I walk up the stairs, and come through a great gateway. From the outside of the gates in the wandering place, it looked like the realm of exalted would have had a lush garden around the entrance. Instead it is a gateway to another realm entirely. It is like being in the clouds, but with brilliant crystalline bridges, and more gateways everywhere. I had never known this was a realm, or a place for the exalted. I send out my intention to come to my ancestors. A spark of air comes before me, and guides me across many bridges. I pass a wall of water, and greet it as it takes form as the most beautiful woman I have ever seen

Finally I come to a great tree house, and familiar faces come to greet me. I tell them what I’ve seen, and they tell me it was time. I cannot truly stand in the light if I have not stood in the dark. They are not one without the other

This sentiment has proven true, and shown its many faces over and over throughout these years. I have forgotten my light many times, thought myself lost from the light many times. Time and time again, as I crawl in longing to the gates of heaven within myself. I am re-membered of the choice each and every one of us inherently has

To choose to live within the realms of darkness, or to be ignited in the realms of light. To live in illusions of separation, or to live in everlasting union in the embrace of the beloved Creator. To suffer, or to be exalted. They are born so close together, that one cannot truly be had without holding hands with the other. So close together that one cannot be separate from the other

As I’m rising into new layers of union within myself, I’m feeling called to write about my travels & initiations through the realms of suffering. The underworld of the self, the world, and creation. I feel it’s a crucial and important aspect of remembering of the self, of awakening

It is so often spoken about as an inconvenient part on the way to bliss. I also see ‘awakening’ stories that are etched in glitter and angelic elevation, casting white out over the shadows very much alive within the self. Turning away from that which is calling for light the most, is cast further into the dark in favor of light that holds no roots

For those that are raising into roles of healer, light worker, all the things. You are not here to merely be light in light spaces. To spread glitter in places already caked in glitter

You are here to ignite that flame of illumination in the shadows of yourself, of this world and all the realms in which you extend yourself

The way that has given way to me has been ascension through the realms of hell. Crowned in the under realms, I ascend into the palaces of heaven, lifted by my hoards of illuminated demons. I ascend formidable. Knowing of my place, and the awaiting throne in the kingdom of the great mother and father. My reign is not hashtags and hopes of love and light, casting cloaks over the dark. It shall be holy intoxication, and a plague of golden rays shall thunder from my heart unto all the world. I call for all of you my family, my ones, my sisters and brothers. May you ascend with me, and take your throne before the holy union of heaven

Always and Forever and ever

An Ma’sheba,

Marisha An

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