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Lost Souls In The Realms Of Darkness

I’m not sure how I got there. I was heading to the place of my ancestors, I was clear as to where I was headed. Yet somehow I came to be in this place

This place with air like rust, and a glow with no sun. The light extending through the air like burnt flesh. My senses were filled with the melody of sickness left like a layer of old coffee raised against the veneer of a cheap coffee table

Hot air in a rusty haze, my bare feet burning on hot sands. My entire being felt crushed under the turmoil raining from the empty sky. I just wanted to die. Let me die. Please. Just let me die. My mouth screamed for release as pure pain, desperation, hate, rage seared through my heart

How did I get here, where am I?

Then I see them. All of them. Millions, and millions of sick, hungry bodies marching no where. Dressed in rags, some naked, others in chains of unlimited mechanisms. I meet the eyes of a body as it drags itself, moving almost in slow motion. My body goes rigid. In that moment I understand what people mean when they say-

‘It was like I saw a ghost’

I’ve seen ‘ghosts’ my entire life. That is spirits, imprinted into the physical realms. This was different. This shook me to the core. These eyes were vacant, the head looked toward me, but the eyes saw nothing. Visions pressed into my own eyes, a man forcing himself into a woman. Over and over again. The feeling of pressing and tearing into her as she tries in vain to squeeze, and cut her nails into my hardened skin. She goes limp, and I empty paradise into this warm cavern I’ve burrowed into. I’ve done it again. Oh what did I do, is she breathing? She’s not moving. I promised myself I would only look, only watch quietly from afar. It had been so clear, it had been so clear, just watch. I didn’t want to break her, and now. Now is she breathing? I can’t touch her anymore. Over and over I’m tearing into her flesh over and over. I feel the sensation like warm rotted slush growing in my belly. I’m sick

My breath catches in my throat and I falter over, and catch my foot on a rock. Falling to my knees, I’m caught in torrents, unable to catch my breath. Feeling that knife I kept in my boot slicing through his flesh as if it was meant to be there. Blood painting my hands for the first time, and knowing this was my purpose. Holding my children under the water, and feeling their little lungs jerk as they fill with water and their bodies going limp. The rough thick rope I got from the barn, it smelled like hay and the shit from the horses. I don’t even know how to tie a knot, bit I just need it to hold just long enough. The fire in my neck as it digs in, and I’m afraid as the fire ignites in my chest, as I lunge. Searching for footing, I don’t want to die, I don’t want to…My fists crushing against the bones in his face, over and over again. Fucking nigger, I burned him, and as he disappeared in the flames, I saw myself burn and I…

“Hello, you got a little lost didn’t you?”

A voice like the wind chimes outside of my mother’s house pulls me back up to the surface like a life guard, she new exactly how to bring me back up for air. Tears streaming down my eyes, as I catch my breath. What the fuck, I’m burning, I’m. Hate, fucking hate. My skin, I want to tear my skin, I need it to be over

“Can you hear me?” – She speaks out to me again

“yes…yes I hear you. I…”

“How did you get here?”

“I…I..was going to my ancestors, and I ended up here, and I can’t stop…”

“Yes, you are just outside the exalted place. The garden of the exalted where you were surely going to your ancestors. You landed in the wandering place”

“The wandering place?”

“The place of the souls that wander, bereft, lost within themselves”

“They don’t see, but you do. How is this so?”

“I do not wander. My sisters and brothers care for the wandering ones. Guiding the ones that are ready to see once again, guarding against the brotherhood of shadows and their dominions, feeding light to those that would welcome it. May the light guide them through the maze, and deliver them unto the exalted”

I look around, and see many. Like her, dressed in what look like garments made from potato sacks. Some are praying up to the sky, others praying over the bodies as they pass in languid formation. I see more, taking bodies by the hand with sight reborn in their eyes, speaking to the bodies in soothing tones. The bodies moving in real time now, though they seem to me like new borns. Confused, weak, afraid

“They look like they have just come from hell” -I say to the woman

“Oh yes, they have. The lucky ones catch the light. Others….They descend, and have not caught the light in many ascensions”

“I need to leave, I cannot stay here. My heart is crushing, I feel them all burning through me. Such anguish. How can you stay here?”

“Sister, if I do not. Then we will all be lost. If I turn from this place, then I will surely be next. I cling to the light, to the love of God I cleave with all of me”

“But you say you cling to the light, to the love of God. How? You stay in hell, clinging to this sea of perversion. I see you living in darkness. Darkness like I have not ever seen!”

She looks into my eyes, and a smile is born across her lips that gives my heart wings. Tears well in my eyes, my vision blurs as the soft ocean currents clear my sight. She takes my hands, and ignites into flames. My breath gets lost in transit, and the gates of heaven feel upon me. Light surrounds me, and I look around to see all of her brothers, and sisters ignited in flames birthed from the central sun itself

I fall to my knees, and press my hands into the hot sands, feeling the burn holding me in my body in this place

She speaks- “Dear one, I live in the light. For I am clothed in the glory of God”

My eyes are closed together, clasping my memory around the sight I just beheld. I never want to see another thing, but this for the rest of time

“Sister, don’t you see. You seek to sew your eyes shut to hold the light, you will wander with the lost holding tight to visions and passing again and again the gates of salvation. You must open your eyes, your heart, and your soul unto all of creation. For only then can you truly come home to the light of God”

Her words gather my spirit, and remember me of myself. I slowly open my eyes, and her flame still dances in the depths of her eyes. She takes me by the hand and we walk in silence ascending towards the gates of the exalted

I witness as we get closer and closer, the crowds grow more and more dense. Others like her beside the gates sing prayers like shouts in a market. Newly opened wanderers shuffle in all directions, entering the threshold of the gates. I turn, and look out over the realm of the wandering. The gates sit high on the edge of a rocky cliff

This realm goes on forever. There seems to be no end

Crowds and crowds of bodies, shuffling slowly, stuck in time. I notice then that the rags they are wearing are from all different times. Torn, ragged clothes from literally all times, I recognize some and others I have never seen. I see clothes that aren’t completely washed in the rust overcast of this place, that must have only just entered this place. I see them all, as far as my eyes can see

Then in the distance I see shadows that fly into the air, and descend unto the bodies. When the shadows come into the air again, the bodies they came down unto are gone. I take my guide by the hand, and point to the shadows-

“What are those things, they made the bodies disappear!”

“Sister, those are the dominions of the dark brotherhood, they take souls from here and cast them into the paradigms. They become empty vessels for them to fill within the worlds in which they have cast their shadows. Our work has not ever been so as it is now”

“How can they just take souls, this must be stopped!”

“Yes, An Masheba, in the holiest of names, the chaos has spread throughout the worlds. The light must be remembered within the many. We must not forget to live in the light. For just as darkness spreads, so to does the light”

She presses her forehead to mine, and leaves me at the bottom of a staircase leading into what seems like clouds. I walk up the stairs, and come through a great gateway. From the outside of the gates in the wandering place, it looked like the realm of exalted would have had a lush garden around the entrance. Instead it is a gateway to another realm entirely. It is like being in the clouds, but with brilliant crystalline bridges, and more gateways everywhere. I had never known this was a realm, or a place for the exalted. I send out my intention to come to my ancestors. A spark of air comes before me, and guides me across many bridges. I pass a wall of water, and greet it as it takes form as the most beautiful woman I have ever seen

Finally I come to a great tree house, and familiar faces come to greet me. I tell them what I’ve seen, and they tell me it was time. I cannot truly stand in the light if I have not stood in the dark. They are not one without the other

This sentiment has proven true, and shown its many faces over and over throughout these years. I have forgotten my light many times, thought myself lost from the light many times. Time and time again, as I crawl in longing to the gates of heaven within myself. I am re-membered of the choice each and every one of us inherently has

To choose to live within the realms of darkness, or to be ignited in the realms of light. To live in illusions of separation, or to live in everlasting union in the embrace of the beloved Creator. To suffer, or to be exalted. They are born so close together, that one cannot truly be had without holding hands with the other. So close together that one cannot be separate from the other

As I’m rising into new layers of union within myself, I’m feeling called to write about my travels & initiations through the realms of suffering. The underworld of the self, the world, and creation. I feel it’s a crucial and important aspect of remembering of the self, of awakening

It is so often spoken about as an inconvenient part on the way to bliss. I also see ‘awakening’ stories that are etched in glitter and angelic elevation, casting white out over the shadows very much alive within the self. Turning away from that which is calling for light the most, is cast further into the dark in favor of light that holds no roots

For those that are raising into roles of healer, light worker, all the things. You are not here to merely be light in light spaces. To spread glitter in places already caked in glitter

You are here to ignite that flame of illumination in the shadows of yourself, of this world and all the realms in which you extend yourself

The way that has given way to me has been ascension through the realms of hell. Crowned in the under realms, I ascend into the palaces of heaven, lifted by my hoards of illuminated demons. I ascend formidable. Knowing of my place, and the awaiting throne in the kingdom of the great mother and father. My reign is not hashtags and hopes of love and light, casting cloaks over the dark. It shall be holy intoxication, and a plague of golden rays shall thunder from my heart unto all the world. I call for all of you my family, my ones, my sisters and brothers. May you ascend with me, and take your throne before the holy union of heaven

Always and Forever and ever

An Ma’sheba,

Marisha An

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Walking With God

The life God has birthed through me has been one of endless trial by suffering. One layer of turmoil after another. As another descent opens its ways I grip with white knuckles as I’m swallowed into the bowels of my own psyche

As it delivers me to the end of each cycle, stripped of another layer of an identity that fast becomes just that. An identity, one among many that fall to the ground like leaves in an autumn breeze. Each time, a once distant melody comes just a little closer. Its become more and more clear. It sings-

“Remember me. Remember that I am here. I am in all things, see me here”

& for moments that become longer and longer I remember that my divine spirit is bringing me back home. That each threshold is relieving me of the illusions and distortions that have been placed over the illumination of my spirit as I’ve walked through the wilderness of life time and time again

That even in these turning wheels of dismemberment, God is ever present. Singing songs of remembrance to the children of creation, so we might not forget the union of our divine being. That we are made of the heavens, and the soil

Our beloved Creator birthed the night and the day. We have the choice to surrender our suffering, and open our eyes to God’s force thriving through all that is. Through each space of existence, our Creator’s hand is present. Calling us to remember that we are eternal

I’ve been having this vision lately of myself in a pestle mortar being ground up into this black powder, and a voice saying

‘And you become medicine’

This has been giving me so much peace, as I stand with life as naked as I have ever been. I think of all of the potions I’ve made from grounding, smashing, stewing, infusing, and alchemizing into new form. & so it becomes medicine, and so do I

In this place where I have been stripped beyond my bones, I am finding faith and belief. I have experienced enough of the other ways, of gripping, and clenching, and fearing. To now be curious enough to touch my toes into the waters of faith. I’m by no means fully submerged, but I can say my toes are feeling pretty good in these waters right now

Still surrendering into union with them completely, really heeding the call and doing whatever that would require of me has kept me on an invisible fence. Contributing to even more catastrophe, and upheaval in my life. As I grip to the familiar side of the fence, and say maybe to the other side that is trying to carry me into the eye of an unknown storm

Walking with God, in longing to reunite with my beloved Creator has been to jump in the deep end of life, of myself, and be purified of everything that would keep us separate in the holy bed chambers in the kingdom of heaven

It’s an ongoing story being told through each and every one of us. Through each moment I’m gifted. One that I am so honored to contribute to, pestle mortar or fuzzy bunnies. On I walk with God, to God, as God, in devotion

Marisha An

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Tincture: Fall Immunity Support

So I’ve been in Minnesota for almost a month now, and back with my crazy family. Who are all obsessed with every ache and pain they have. The cornerstone of every conversation we have is about someone they know who has the flu, or a cold or a cough that made them nervous

Every burp, and tickle in their throat is an impending sickness. Which I’m going to be super honest, I have sickness paranoia & I’m seeing where I got it from. I am constantly sick in the head with some foreign disease because I had an itch

Being back in this environment, and the fact that Minnesota is transitioning into fall time has got me armed with all of my fall remedies & allies. I’m going to share my favorite one with you here!

This potion is best taken on the onset of that tickle, or feelings of a sickness coming on. It sends your immune system into hyper drive, and gently ushers the sick bugs out of your system. This tincture is super supportive, rich in vitamin C, helps ward off infections ranging far beyond the common cold

I journeyed with these herbs before creating this tincture to see how they would partner in the body. The herbs used in this tincture are Piñon Pine & Echinacea

Piñon Pine gave me visions of great golden light. Carrying the light of the sun, grounding into the body of the earth. Bringing the replenishing, and strengthening light of the sun into your body. It charged my solar plexus. Radiating vitality, clear action, power, and personal charge. Grounding and clarifying your central power source

Echinacea gave visions of purple essence centering in the heart, the emotional body. Clearing, protecting, and charging the physical form. There was an action of clarifying the communication of the energy body through the physical. It had a very airy energy where Piñon had a very grounding power about it

They danced so beautifully together in this tincture. The result is this very earthy flavor with a tart high note in the after taste. I love the smell, I love everything about it. So let’s get into it!

Shopping List

-Mason jar in the size you choose

-Dried Echinacea

-Dried Piñon Pine needles

-High proof alcohol. I like Everclear. I’m just finding out as I write this that it is illegal in some states, including the one I’m in now! So check your state, or choose another alcohol. I recommend clear liquor for this tincture

-Personal use tincture bottle(s)

-Strainer or Cheesecloth

-Time

For those of you who require non alcoholic, or have youngins. You can replace the alcohol with glycerin. You will have to do your research on what type to buy, as I have not ever created a tincture with this before

Method

Begin by filling your jar with 2 parts Echinacea & 1 part Piñon Pine. Or follow what you intuitively feel is called for in your mixture. It is optional and recommended to grind your herbs a bit in a pestle mortar to open them up, and get them fusing with each other

Fill your jar just below full, and lightly pack the herbs down. Fill the rest of the jar with the alcohol. Close the jar tightly, and give it a shake

Store in a cool, dry, dark place for 5-6 weeks. Shaking your jar daily, and giving it some love

At the end of the 5-6 weeks, open your jar. Check for any molding, or unsavory things. Unlikely, with the alcohol, but when you will be ingesting. It’s better to be safe

Strain your herbs, and pour the liquid mixture into your tincture bottle

I like to take one dropper 3x a day when I’m feeling something coming on, before/during/after plane flights.. When I’m already sick I take 2 droppers in the morning, one in the afternoon, and 2 in the evening

Enjoy this dear companion, let me know your experiences in the comments!

Marisha An

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Recipe: Miracle Oil Infusion

This oil is close to my heart, and has become a very dear companion to me. This oil was created in a small batch in a little bungalow in the hills of a mystical little town in Mexico, only a few months ago

It feels like another world, in another life to look back on it

I call this oil, miracle oil because I have used it all over my body with skin happy results. In these 3 months of using this oil it has diminished chigger bite scars that had polka dotted their way around my ankles…I loved walking in the mountains, and the chiggers loved to welcome me with love bites…

It has evened my skin tone. My skin is ridiculously soft when using it. I use it as a hair oil, I have wavy curly hair and it gives me shine, without weighing down or drying out my hair. This oil is anti fungal, and anti inflammatory. It soothes, and nourishes the skin. I just can’t say enough about this oil. I’m so happy with it

One negative with this batch, that I’m going to play around with is that while it evened my skin tone. It also gave me a more tanned complexion. On my body it glows, but on my face it just got a little too dark so I took a break and exfoliated a bit. This may be a plus for some, and not for others. I’m in Minnesota now, obviously with less sun. I’m not noticing my face getting so dark, and I’m thinking it may be the oil just super soaking the sun into my skin. I’m thinking as I type. Anyways, try it for yourself

There’s two options to make this oil…3 if you’re feeling like a rebel. There’s the fast way, and the old fashioned kissed by the sun way…& if you want to walk the road of the rebel the give it to me fast and slow, I like it mixed up way. Before we get into the methods you will need the following…

Shopping List:

-Myrrh (chunky)

-Frankinscense (chunky)

-Cinnamon Sticks

-A mason ish jar. You choose the size

-Organic oil of your choice. I chose soy oil as that was what was available in the town I was in. When I make more, I will be using Jojoba, or Grapeseed oil as I like these better for prolonged use on my face

-Cheesecloth

-Containers for personal use

-A double boiler large enough to submerge your jar with the lid on- THIS IS ONLY NEEDED FOR THE FAST METHOD

I used powdered cinnamon for my infusion, and the oil needs to be shaken like crazy before I use it. So I’m recommending using sticks instead

Fast Method

Fill your jar about half way to 3/4 of the way with your herbs. This is your space to play with what you prefer. Do you want to play up the myrrh more, do you want it spicier with the cinnamon. Do you want to crush your myrrh and frank? Breakup the cinnamon sticks. Do you prefer powder? This is your potion, and your partnership with the herbs

Next cover the herbs with oil, filling the jar to the top with your oil

Screw the cap on tightly and give it a shake

Fill your double boiler with enough water to submerge the jar half way. Bring to a boil, and simmer on medium/low heat for 4-6 hours

Remove the jar from the water bath. Give it a shake, and leave in a cool dry place overnight

Strain the oil and herbs through the cheesecloth into a large container. dispose of the herbs, I like to offer mine back to the earth. Pour your oil into your personal use containers & enjoy

Sun Method

Fill your jar about half way to 3/4 of the way with your herbs. This is your space to play with what you prefer. Do you want to play up the myrrh more, do you want it spicier with the cinnamon. Do you want to crush your myrrh and frank? Breakup the cinnamon sticks. Do you prefer powder? This is your potion, and your partnership with the herbs

Next cover the herbs with oil, filling the jar to the top with your oil

Screw the cap on tightly and give it a shake

Place your jar in a place that gets bathed by the sun. I windowsill, a light soaked shelf

Keep it there for 3-6 weeks, depending on how strong you want the mixture

Connect with your mixture, giving it a love shake once a day to make sure everything is evenly infusing

After your 3-6 weeks, strain the oil through the cheesecloth into a large bowl. Pour into personal use containers & voila!

The Rebel Method

Really this method is the best of both worlds. I felt that the resins were calling for the heat to really open to the infusion. I wouldn’t even use the fast heat method usually for anything. This was my first time working with resins, and it felt ideal for them

So follow all of the same instructions of the fast method, giving a water bath for about 3-4 hours, and then placing the jar in a sun drenched place for about 3 weeks. This is the what I did, and since this is my first batch of this oil I can’t tell you that it is so much more anything. This is just what I intuitively followed, and I loved the results

I’m also just remembering how I used the leftovers of the herbs. They smelled so good. I mixed them with some bentonite clay and more oil, and made a body scrub. You can crush the larger chunks to get a good scrub mixture

Enjoy this beautiful infusion & let me know what you created with the recipe in the comments

Marisha An